I know I just posted yesterday for the first time in a while, but I had another idea I would like to share…and again, this is not the opinion of the Bubba the Love Sponge® Show, only my warped thoughts. I would like to propose a concept called “Express Church” that should really appeal to true believers. Due to time constraints (and my attention span) I will address the Christian faith only at this time. Here is how a commercial for the Express Church might sound.

As any true believer would know, religion can be very time consuming. Wouldn’t it be great if you could speed up the process, all while showing the ultimate devotion to your savior? The Express Church has a full staff of professional theologians waiting to analyze your confession. Or, for you tech savvy Christians, the Express Church now offers an online “Sin Survey” that you can take from the comfort of home! Just answer a few quick questions about your actions this week, and the Express Church’s Sin Survey will determine which of the heavenly mandates you have violated. Then, simply print out the Sin Survey’s results and take them with you to your local Express Church location for some retribution of biblical proportions!

Every Express Church location offers four different retribution zones including the Hellfire incinerator, a stone throwing range, an eye for an eye tent and even a smiting booth. No matter how big or small your sins are, the Express Church has the right punishment for you!*  (*as approved by the “big man” himself…just read the book) 

So why wait a lifetime for Judgment Day, or even an eternity for the punishment that you know is coming? Head on down to the Express Church today and just get it over with right now. Seriously, what the hell are you waiting for?